Autism Today I Hate You

Autism Today I Hate You

It’s rare I feel this way.

For the most part my daughter and her autism are inseparable. It’s impossible to define where one ends and the other begins. And if I’m honest I’m not sure I want to.

I love her impeccable eye for detail. I love the way she delves into her passions with everything she has. And I love the way she is determined to teach others that life with Asperger’s is a good life.

Her life isn’t always easy, and stress affects her badly at times. She finds the behaviours of others hard and new situations tricky. She worries about things before they happen. But that is just her. Together we plan for eventualities, and come up with solutions.

And mostly it works.

We accept that that is part of life.

But what makes me sad is when it spoils her best days. Special days. Days she cares about.

This week it’s her birthday.

It’s something we plan carefully. Spread out the treats. Open presents as they arrive, rather than wait until the day.

She has her birthday with us, quietly at home. A meal with close family on another day. And a day with her close friends two weeks later.

We reduce the pressure.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Today though, today was the day she was most excited about.

She opened a card containing some money.

She finds spending money hard. The combination of making a decision and getting something new is never easy.

I often ask people not to give her money. I know the stress it will cause

But after nearly three years of saving, she had decided to buy something.

She has been frantically counting the pennies, hoping she would have enough.

A camera was in her sights.

She loves to take photographs, it appeals to her sense of detail, her creativity, her need to create order in the world.

So we went to the shop and collected the one she had dreamed about.

She was anxious but happy.

Anxious that she had made the right decision. But excited to take photographs.

Until that is we got home and the strap was too strappy.

That was all it took.

Her day was ruined. The pleasure gone.

It is that, those moments we cannot prepare for.

The ones that spoil the best days. The things she really wants to do, that I will never get used to.

Because that really isn’t fair.

What Next?

If you do want to learn more you might find our autism section a useful place to start. It’s full of different strategies to try out.

Our online autism courses are also a great place to learn more.

Or why not join our private Facebook Group, which brings parents and teachers of children on the spectrum together to discuss strategies to help at home and at school.

If you join our tribe at the bottom of the post, you’ll receive a weekly email containing autism strategies and resources straight to your inbox.

And of course if I can be of any help then please just shout (or drop me an email).

Shares 0

10 thoughts on “Autism Today I Hate You

  1. The pressure for everything to be right is so hard. My partner hates my birthday and is generally in a hellish mood all day because he feels he has to make it all perfect for me. What I really want is for him to chill out and not be shouty and tense, but he can’t help it. Even if I enthuse over everything, he sees it from an angle I don’t and gets so stressed that it’ll never be enough. It’s so unfair on everyone because you should just be able to enjoy it, instead you teeter on hot coals all day and invariably it ends in disaster anyway. I hope she has found a strap she likes and loves her camera – it’s an awesome choice of present to buy herself with her money – one of mine would have happily spent the lot on Haribo and have nothing left to show for it!

  2. Oh I so get this, yes. Too strappy. Today was trying to buy a mattress for us – too soft and not soft enough, too much choice and not enough choice. It was never going to end well. But at least we got out of the house and tried! :/

  3. I can completely relate to the difficulty in spending money and in making decisions! My son is still going through the asd diagnosis process (although does have diagnosed ADHD and SPD) and has been saving his Christmas and birthday money for roughly 5 years. He has nearly £600 and even when he decides he wants to buy something, he then changes his mind because then his money won’t be there anymore. He is definitely going g to be an adult with tons of cash the bank but wears the same clothes every day for years.!

    1. I think for me that part that worries me most is the anxiety that spending it causes her. But you are right, when they are older it will have benefits x

  4. Sounds like when I spoiled New Year’s this year. I was anxious, insecure and felt like my family was getting at me. Maybe the rabbi from ‘Crazy Ex Girlfriend’ can explain it better…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: