I know I’ve written to you before but you didn’t seem to listen. You’re still here, still hanging around, still driving us all crazy.
I’ve tried so hard to be patient; we’ve seen doctors, cranial osteopaths, feeding clinic coordinators, we’ve tried two different kinds of meds, we’ve moved to baby led weaning. We’ve listened, we’ve taken advice, we’ve changed our lives.
And it’s not been in vain.
Our days are better, so much better. I love seeing him laugh and play. I love watching him crawl, seeing him delight in everything around him. I love that he’s freer than he was. I love that during the day he’s him again, my boy, my precious boy.
But then night falls and I remember that you are here.
You still wake our baby from his sleep. You make him cry, scream in pain. You turn my happy smiley boy, into someone altogether different. You make him fight his feeds and push me away, you make him arch his back, you make him sob.
I hate you.
I hate you so much. I hate that you’re still here torturing him. I hate that you’re keeping him awake. I hate that you’re making me resent him when I try to settle him for the 20th time in a row, I hate that I’m too tired to enjoy him. I hate that my tiredness is making me so irrationally grumpy with anyone and everyone who dares to breathe.
But it’s ok. We will survive. We have another plan. Another strategy in our fight to beat you.
Because we will win this battle.
We’ve cut out so much from our diets, but now we’re going to try dairy. And when I say we, I do mean we. We’re still breastfeeding, you made it hard, oh so hard at times, but we beat you. Together we learnt, me and my little man together. So we’re in this together too. The hot chocolate will be ditched, and so will the brownies.
Because he is worth it. Because I love him to the moon and back again. And because I want you to go. I need you to go.
So please Reflux, please, if you are listening, let this be the answer.
I’m ready to stop being a detective and concentrate on just being a mummy. I’m ready to cuddle my little boy to sleep, without dreading he’ll wake in pain, I’m ready to put my head on a pillow and sleep for longer than twenty minutes in a row, I’m ready for us both to be free.
What do you say, will you give it a chance, let us just try?