Dear Reflux…

Dear Reflux,

Did I ever tell you that I hate you?

I hate that every day you hurt my baby. I hate that it took us so long to spot you. I hate that even now we know it’s you, you still control our lives.

Before I met you, I thought that breastfeeding was easy.

I’d sailed through it with the Bear. This was one part of motherhood I knew how to do. You stole that from me, you made feed times into a battleground, something to be stressed about not something to enjoy.

You showed me what it was like to hear your baby screaming from hunger but not wanting to eat. You made me feel a failure. This was my baby. I should be able to feed him. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.

Before I met you, I thought I understood my friends and family.

I was wrong. You showed me there are some people who get it and some who don’t. There are some who don’t understand that my baby won’t lie on the floor because the acid burns his throat, others who are angry I won’t leave him with them because I know he’ll choke on the milk they are able to give.

Yes you have forged friendships that will last a lifetime, shown me the people I can count on no matter what. But the price has been too high, for my baby, for me, for those we have lost.

Before I met you I though I understood what it was to be a mother.

I had this. This was my much wanted, long awaited second baby. I was going to enjoy every single moment.

Instead, I learn each day just how much pain my precious boy can tolerate.

I watch him arch his back and scream, I watch him try to so hard to fall back asleep before you creep up on him, I watch him struggle and choke as we try him on new foods.

And I am angry.

I am angry at what you have stolen from us.

My son is the most amazing gift I have ever been given.

He does not deserve you. We do not deserve you.

I wish you would go, and if you will not go, I wish you would give me the pain instead.

I wish you would leave my baby alone.

Yours truly,

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